The Unexpected Defenders Of The Universe

Boring, life is boring where I come from. Kansas. As I walked down the dusty road I prayed to God for a better meal than what I’ve been having for the past three weeks. Beans. I used to like beans, three weeks ago. My name is Angus Wilson. I live with my loving, bean cooking mother, and my father, who is currently blind from an accident he had at his work a few months ago.

One day, not too long ago, while I was on my way home I was wondering if anything exciting would happen, other than that squirrel chasing a dog I saw earlier. Strange, right? Before I could finish that thought, a sudden and huge flash of light radiated through me, my heart skipped a few beats as I flew backward from the shockwave.

As I stood up and dusted myself off, I looked at where the shockwave came from and a giant ship, the same size as Kansas at least was above me making a racket of noise. A second after I stood up while dusting myself off, I began to fade away and BOOM. Another shock wave resonated through me. I felt as if an explosion erupted inside me, but for a bizarre reason it didn’t hurt or anything. I looked around and I was in a really tiny environment. Everything was made of metal, I presumed that the door behind me opened and to be honest I was a little disappointed in what I was seeing.

A guinea pig marched in with a spear and Spartan looking armor, but with some electrical looking equipment. He marched right in front of me and stopped, stomped his foot once on the ground. He talked in the most hilarious voice I’ve ever heard and said “the leader will see you shortly”. He turned around, stomped once again and marched out. I didn’t laugh my head off because I was too frightened. For about 5 minutes I stood there confused, scared and amused.

This was the most confusing, scariest and funniest day of my life. Suddenly, one guinea pig marched in. He grabbed my hand and said “let’s go human”. I didn’t question the thing; I just did what he said and hoped that everything would be alright. The guinea pig brought me into what looked like the main hall, there was an elevator, a huge statue of a guinea pig (it must’ve been their leader or something), and about 400 guinea pigs in armor, holding spears and marching back and forth. One was yelling out marching orders and had better, golden looking armor. Everything was very military, but was also so adorable.

We started to walk towards the elevator and all the guinea pigs walked out of our way, and stood in rows around us. The guinea pig pressed the button for the elevator and waited. We all waited for the elevator and it was so awkward. I would have expected the guinea pigs to be frightened of me or something because, after all, I was much bigger than them but no, I was scared of them but not they of me.

We got in a tiny elevator, I had to curl up in a ball, and the guinea pig guard was beside me. I looked at him for a while and he didn’t even glance at me. I wanted to start a conversation with him because it was a very awkward situation. The funny thing was that it was like a movie. Like when there are two guys in an elevator, there’s elevator music and everything looks awkward, well guess what, I was living it… only with guinea pigs. When we arrived to the top floor, we exited the elevator and the whole room was amazing.

We were in a giant dome made of either glass, or some alien guinea pig substance that looked like glass. The guinea pig walked me to this chair and stopped me with a quick jerk. They both walked back and saluted for some random reason. I started to walk toward the chair to sit down but before I could sit down the chair turned around and there was a giant fat guinea pig that took one look at me and started to scream. He was yelling “IT’S SO UGLY! IT’S SO UGLY!”

I was thinking in my head “hah look the one talking.” After a 10 minutes screaming session he finally calmed down and less and less soldiers were running in for help. He asked me in an uneasy sounding voice, “so how… are… you… doing?”

 I said, “really? That’s the first thing you ask someone after you kidnap them and scream for 10 min straigh…”

He starts screaming again… more guards start pouring in. They grabbed me and said “the leader will see you when he is ready.” They started running out of the door holding my shirt with little grappling hooks and there leader is screaming in the meantime. We walked to a little prison looking thing. They sat me down on a little bench. I sat there for hours watching outside of a little window and thinking well my wish did come true.

Something exciting did happen today. I thought what if I had wished again that something exciting would happen again. Guess what. One hour later, something exciting did happen. A huge flash of light shattered my window in the prison and the alarm system went off. I sat in a tiny ball, frightened as hell and excited as hell for what would happen next.

But mostly frightened. An object flew through the window with a Parachute yelling “wooooooohoooooo!” It landed perfectly. It cursed for a few seconds while struggling to take off the Parachute and when it finally struggled it off he turns to me and says “Hello!” to me in a Scottish accent. I screamed. He says “what are you screaming about, laddy. I’m here to rescue you, eh?”

This was hilarious. It was a porcupine. He was wearing an aviation leather jacket, a kilt and had a scarf and little aviation goggles. He said “my name is Feargan Hagis,” and puts his hand out for me to shake. I put my hand out and he pulled it back quickly and says “Eh, what you doin lad? I’m a porcupine, you little dumbo!” he laughed and then got really serious and said “we’s better be goin now if we want to escape.”

He started looking around then looked out the window and radiod someone saying, “Hey! Get to coordinates 1178892 at earth altitude 30000 feet in 32 seconds.” He got a reply saying, “yeah, no problem Feargan.” He chuckled and said “ehehe this is the fun part, laddy. I thought, ‘and the first part of the day wasn’t?’ This should be good. “Oh? How so?” I say. Then he says “jump out that window.” I turned pale white and said “what... ARE YOU CRAZY?” then he says “just a tiny bit lad.” He walks behind me and starts pinching my butt. I said “hey stop that!” he pinches me in a direction towards the window and then kicks me through the window and said “off we go laddy”.

I started falling and urinating. Behind me is the porcupine. He caught up to me and latched onto my shirt. He quickly pulled an object out of his pocket and pressed the big red button on it. A bi-plane came right underneath of us.  It started free falling with us at our same speed. Feargan grabbed the rope and threw it to the other porcupine that was flying the plane. The pilot started pulling us toward him.

We climbed inside the plane and sat down. The pilot leveled the plane out and started flying toward another space craft looking object. We started getting closer and it was a flying aircraft carrier looking space craft. We landed on top of it naturally and there was a bunch of porcupines in kilts walking around. They were a few barbequing, a few playing the bag pipes and some just having a picnic.

It was an improvement compared to the military guinea pigs. We walked to the barbeque. The pilot and Feargan asked for a hamburger and then asked me if I wanted one.

“No, thank you,” I replied in a stunned daze.

Feargan shrugged and walked to a picnic table with me. No one on the ship was confused or didn’t even care that I was there. It was astonishing. After Feargan finished his hamburger, we walked to the stairs part of the ship and walked down them. I followed him.

Obviously everything was a bit small for me. I tripped a few times, but it wasn’t a real big deal for me or anyone else except for Feargan. He chuckled every time I tripped.

“You’re like a drunken giraffe aren’t you, laddy,” he teased.

We walked inside a room and got to a machine that looked like a giant elevator. He asked me to get in it. I did and he followed. Some other porcupine pressed the big button on the control platform.

Then a large flash of light emerged and then a few seconds later we were on the same road I was on before all this.

“You’re probably wondering why I saved you. Well, you see us porcupines are the balance of the universe,” Feargan explained.

“Uh, porcupines are, um, the balance of the universe?’ I asked puzzled.

“It’s hard to believe, but, yes.” Feargan went on, “we keep every planet happy and the guinea pigs are the evil of the universe. They make everyone confused, scared and annoyed. This is a turning point right now; we are going to kill off those little rascals right now and all of them from your planet too.”

 “That’s right and we’re going to do away with the guinea pigs.”

 “Why? Don’t kill them from my planet! They’re so adorable,” I pleaded.

“If you believe that, then they’re doing their job correctly,” Feargan informed me. I thought for a little bit and remembered back to the guinea pig ship. How they were so small, yet so controlling and how frightened I was of them.

 “The Guineas have amazing power and amazing capabilities, lad.” Feargan turned and walked down the road, “walk this way for a few minutes.  We’re going to emit a huge flash of light on to your planet and hopefully that will clear your planet’s memory from this terror,” Feargan explained.

“Thank you,” I said with a nod.

 I started walking down the dusty road and then, BOOM!

 

Boring, life is boring where I come from. Kansas. As I walked down the dusty road I prayed to God for a better meal than what I’ve been having for the past three weeks. Beans.